don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
