Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My balls are so social today.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
