Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
