i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
