She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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