It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
