on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
