Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
