Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
