The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
God, I missed his penis.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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