So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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