What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
