Umm I'm too high to move.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
