It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
