hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
