I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
