I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize