The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
