So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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