He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
