I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
