I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
