Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
