he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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