they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What a dumb baby whore.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
