i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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