I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
