I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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