I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize