do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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