drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
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rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
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I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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