Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
