There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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