Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
