plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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