Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's like iHOP with fire
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
