Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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