Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
