i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
