Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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