Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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