Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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