How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love having hate sex.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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