and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
