there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The power of my boobs compel you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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