I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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