we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
