one two three fourrrrnication!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
