Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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