I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
