Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
