He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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