Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
