You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
