She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
