Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
